This Hot Hatch Gladiator Race Should Only Have Had One True Victor, but There Were Two

The Volkswagen Golf R has a 2.0-liter 4-cylinder engine that produces 315 hp (320 ps) and 310 lb-ft or 420 Nm of torque. It also has a 7-speed auto gearbox and all-wheel drive. It weighs less than the Audi at 1,525 kilograms or 3,362 pounds and starts at 43,455 GBP or 55,194 USD.

The BMW M135i xDrive model has a 2.0-liter 4-cylinder turbo engine that delivers 302 hp (306 ps) with 332 lb-ft (450 Nm) of twist. Its 8-speed automatic transmission system sends that power to all four corners. It weighs 3,362 pounds or 1,525 kilograms and starts at around 44,070 UK pounds or $55,975.

Finally, the Mercedes-AMG A 35 also comes with a 2.0L 4-cylinder turbo engine, which outputs 302 hp (306 ps) and 295 lb-ft or 400 Nm of torque. The 8-speed auto gearbox channels those power stats to all four wheels. It weighs 3,461 lbs. or 1,570 kilograms and starts roughly at 46,000 GBP, equivalent to 58,426 USD.

After the Mercedes won the exhaust sound test with its crackles and pops, it was off to the 1/4-mile arena. After a close race, the Volkswagen Golf R and the Audi S3 tied, finishing in 12.9 seconds. However, splitting hairs in slow motion reveals the Audi was a palm's length in front of the Golf R, technically making it the winner. The BMW M135i xDrive came in a close third at 13.1 seconds, with the Mercedes-AMG A 35 finishing in last place with 13.2 seconds on the clock.

A few 1/2-mile roll races from 50 mph (80.4 kph) soon followed. During the first "Comfort Mode in manual" attempt, the Golf R proved it could still teach the other kids on the block a thing or two. It won easily, with the Audi S3 in second place, the BMW in third, and the AMG A 35 in fourth. During the second race, with every car in auto sport mode, the Audi S3 finished first, the Golf R in second, the BMW in third, and the AMG in last place.

For the final showdown, the four outstanding hot hatches underwent a brake test from 100 mph to 160 kph. The VW Golf R had the best brakes, stopping ahead of the competition. The BMW M135i came in second place, the Mercedes in third, and the Audi S3 in last place. Finally, the AMG A 35 drew some blood, although it lost every arena trial. The sad part is that it's more expensive than the BMW, Volkswagen, and Audi, which raises some eyebrows and questions.

It's too bad that the Toyota GR Yaris and Honda Civic Type R were missing, but much like the Gladiator II trailer, not everything can be perfect. Hopefully, other drag racing channels will feature these nameplates to see which hot hatch reigns supreme.

Let's go off-topic and briefly discuss the Gladiator II trailer with its Colosseum-based naval battles (naumachia). It's now one of this year's most downvoted movie trailers, with 143,000 upvotes and 325,000 downvotes on YouTube only four days after its release. While many commenters point out that the first Gladiator movie with Russell Crowe didn't need a sequel, others are more amusing, saying, "When the rap starts playing, I thought Vin Diesel was going to show up with his V8 in the arena."

There are many more Dominic Toretto-related comments for those who want to have a big laugh, like, "At the end of the film, Vin Diesel arrives in a chariot and shouts 'for family.' And so the Fast and Furious series was born. Sorry for the spoiler," or "All that's missing is Dom Toretto drifting round the Colosseum in a modified chariot."

Now, that would be an amazing idea for a future "Fast & Furious" movie: time travel to prehistoric times à la "Back to the Future" using American V8 muscle cars, or better yet, have the series cross over into the Jurassic Park universe. Vin Diesel could say witty catchphrases during zoomed-in action shots before he ropes together a couple of T-Rex dinosaurs with his mighty 900-horsepower 1970 Dodge Charger R/T. Surely, there's a fossil fuel joke in there somewhere...